kata

kadang aku ingin berkata-kata namun dek keterbatasan perkara dalam hidup, aku perlu pendam untuk menjaga hati dan perasaan orang lain.. kadang aku harus berperang dengan diri sendiri untuk mengelak dari 'mereka'.. kadang entry yang aku tulis bukan untuk menyalahkan or dipersalahkan, namun ia sekadar luahan rasa yang ada masanya aku inginkan perkongsian tanpa suara.. semua orang ada kalanya ingin berkongsi rasa tapi bila ia disalahertikan, bertapa 'sempitnya' fikiran mereka... setiap kali entry yang berkaitan dengan perasaan dikeluarkan, orang akan menunding jari terhadap perhubungan aku.. 

yang terjadi tidak semestinya berkaitan namun perasaan yang lahir bukan taruhan... 

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actually i'm not that kind of 'feeling' as what people saw, like what people heard.. i gave a thousands big smile, a millions fake laugh but i'm crying badly...  i'm stuck in my own way... i follow the road without notice that i'm the middle of secret garden... i just belongs to an empty garden , which is i stand and fight by myself without reasons.. i say nothing, i talk no words, i speak in silent and the ends it just 'me'... everyday i woke up, i wish that yesterday never exist... when the night comes, i wish the strong become a big strength to keep me move on the next step for the next day but i realize that i never move on even a bit.. i love night, i love stars and i love my bed.. it's touch me warm, it's hold me tight, it's spread the tears, it's heal my day and it's keep my secret... sometimes i wake up at midnight, suddenly cry and try to find who i am now... time become closer, a big backwards i notice where i am... i'm not that kind of girl which really happy, deep inside by heart i hold a big 'responsibility' that hard to let go... there is no excited feeling inside me.. everyday i feel like 'mistakes' that i have to do.. sometimes, i wanna say it out loud and keep screaming, shouting to them so that they can comfort me, crying in the other shoulder so that i know there is someone without name, i wanna run and never stop so that i can wipe all the hurt that i carried all the ways but i just nobody in everybody.. no hope, no spirit... in a meanwhile, i can feel like i'm dying by time passing... really hard when i feel like i'm alone and become more harder when i'm just nobody...

** kadang aku ingin berkata-kata walaupun tanpa suara..